A Little Break

Yesterday was a long flight, flying from Hamburg, I was walking at a long path of London Heathrow airport. I had a 3 hour stop and I used all the time to just walk around while waiting for my gate to open.

While I was walking around, my thoughts were somewhere, my heart still felt heavy.

I remember when I was driving for work yesterday and suddenly I just burst into tears. Then I was sitting at the front of my computer at work, I noticed some flashbacks. The pain is forever there… I could hardly concentrate from work and I was close to telling my chef that I needed a rest… but hey.. just few hours before my off, I had to be patient.

Finally on my way back home, it was like the same morning when I just burst into tears.

I can’t just take the pain away, it hurts so much deeply, as if it was cutting my heart and leaving a big scar in there.

Seeing myself sitting for a pause, I didn’t realize how long it took me walking around the huge and crowded waiting area of London Heathrow.

Now I am back to myself, trying to feel what I am feeling… but it was empty… as if I’ve already cried all the tears as if I left my country and also already leaving my past behind.

A new hope was built inside of me. I think it’s a really good start for me to have some time to think… and make a brand new start.

This is all I needed… a few weeks away, a little break, a little time. This is the moment I know I wanted to get myself back… and I am hoping, really hoping that this moment will help me never ever to look back.

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Someday You’ll See

Just let me fall

Take everything all

Until nothing is left

Even my last breathe

My lost maybe your victory

But one day when I am gone

Someday you’ll see

Your biggest regret in life

When I am nowhere to be found.

Einzige Hoffnung

Deutschland ist mein Land

Philippinen ist mein Heimat

Soll es andersrum sein

Will keine vielleicht glauben

Mein ganzes Leben lang

habe ich in Deutschland verbracht

In Deutschland habe ich geheiratet

und habe mein Kind geboren

Bald ist sie schon erwachsen

Ich aber langsam werde alt

Das macht aber nicht,

so lange bin ich noch am leben

und meine Familie glücklich sind

Meine Heimweh spielt keine Rolle

Denn in mein Vergangenheit

zurückzukehren kommt nicht in Frage

Meine einzige Kraft, mein Kind

Was wäre ich, ohne dich?

 

 

Saturday, Week 45

My day starts today with green Tea flavored with Vanilla in my favorite cup😍. The aroma of the tea, hmmm delicious sweet Vanilla freshens up my body and soul, energizes my tired and stressed days of work over the week. So to start my Saturday, I woke up early at 7am (which is not my normal wakeup hours during the weekend), stretched up a bit and started cleaning the room of our two guinea pigs at home before giving them food, and now I am ready to drink my tea. What is waiting for me ahead? Well, it will be an exciting day for me today to go out with my daughter and enjoy our weekend with some friends, chill out and wind up, I’ll relax a bit, read my book while she enjoys swimming. What about yours? Hope you’ll also all have a nice one. Happy weekend everyone🥰

Life demands a payment

There’s no such thing as free lunch- life is not a gift, it is an investment. – John Maxwell

Remember that in everything we do, at work – accomplish things for your boss; at home- do all household work for the family; friends-staying by their side, we invest in life, we learn that there is nothing we could accomplish in life without investing first.

Even our life, we owe it to God. We live to do something about it, to value it, to be productive, to be remembered, and not to waste it. One day when we are gone, only the things we invested remain, our life we surrender, our body goes back to ashes.

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Photo by: Daz on DaZ Journal, © 2018

What stops you from trying?

Are you aware that there are things you haven’t done but could actually have done because you thought there was nothing else you could do? Or things you haven’t tried or stopped trying because you were afraid to do so and you did not believe in yourself?

There is something in this world that makes us unique, something from deep within that makes us a whole, extraordinary or special, not the looks, not the dress or the brands we wear on. Remember, we were born naked, without fancy make-ups or expensive clothes, and we were loved just as we are from the day we were born. Make-ups, gadgets, expensive clothes, shoes and every fancy things we wear covers all up our innermost beauty as well as it reflects our own personality and could make an impact on the things that we do or could do.

Sometimes it’s just hard to live without satisfying first our own needs and self-interest, thus making us greedy… and selfish… and discontented. We are too focused on other things without realizing what is actually happening within us.

Sometimes, or most of the time, we worry too much and we spend so much time worrying about the things we haven’t done, it’s time wasted. We are so preoccupied with so many things that surrounds us making us incapable of doing the things we actually should. We worry too much on how we should look to other people and even other people’s lives. But if we examine ourselves or take a look deep down our heart, and set aside all the things that hinder us from being what we really are or what we could be, only then can we realize there is something more in us, something else we are at the moment unaware of but capable of doing, something we are afraid to do so but actually could, or something we don’t know we are actually good at.

If we try to take time and think of the things that we value the most, or the things that are most important, and the things that matters most, and if we believe in ourselves, and try to at least go beyond our will and power, only then could we realize that there is something worthwhile we could do rather than waiting and hoping someday for it to happen. Only until then, can we see the true meaning of our existence.

Are you who you think you are?

Illustration by: DaZ Journal,  Copyright © 2018 ThinkingWoman?

First impressions never last. It’s true, but what makes people think we are a kind of person they think of? What makes us different anyway? How could we change how people think about us? The thing is, it is difficult to change how people think about us when they already had the impression of what we really are. Sad to say, most people judge a person by its cover, basically on how the person looks, or the way a person walks, dresses, talks, and eat. It’s basically a misconception on how every person is judged on first impressions.

But we can make a difference. Sometimes, it’s just by looking in the eye. Because what you see and how you feel reflects on your eyes. But the big question here is, are we really that kind of person that we think we are? Can we make a good impression on someone to make us think of the kind of person we want them to think us to be?

I was a silent girl on my younger days, and people judged me of being shy. I was actually shy as a kid, although I have tried to change that personality over years, I always still got the impressions of being shy from most people. These years, whenever I meet new people, I am not a shy person anymore, but as it turns out, people still judge me sometimes for being a shy one although I tell I am not. I think this personality from my younger years already reflected in my entire personality that I sometimes think to myself I maybe still am that kind of person. You see, I still have this kind of thinking that I couldn’t get rid of and so it reflects on my personality.

It takes a lot of effort to make an impression to someone of being someone you wanted others to see but it takes more effort to change that impression to someone. So try to examine yourself for a while and think, what kind of person are you really are? Remember, what you think you are is what you are. What you think of yourself is what others also see.

Inspirational Writing

A short reminder to everyone from one my favorite writer:

“Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid or making friends.  In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your own work and enriching your life as well.”  – Stephen King

 

 

It’s the Kiss 💋

It’s the kiss that you need to let your pain 💔go away

A kiss that wipes away all the tears you kept inside your ❤️ heart

A kiss to remind you everything will be alright 💋

A kiss to comfort … and to let you know that you are loved 💞 🤗

The End

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When a moment of our time comes if one has to decide either to stay or not, when both partners realize their relationship freezes, when one gets cold-hearted, until one has to make it end. When lovers go, when promises are broken, when there is nothing left but hope and the rest of the hope fades. When one cries out loud and no one hears.

Love failure. Relationship failure. Marriage failure. Broken Promises. Disappointment. Hopelessness. Sufferings. Pains. Illness. Sickness. Death. Whatever you call it. Nobody wants it.

The more we try to save ourselves from any failures, the more we punish ourselves by denying to ourselves that something is going to change.

I realize how difficult it is for couples to break up. It has never been easy. It’s like losing everything we’ve got. For me, it’s over. My neverending story has now come to an end.

Daz Island Cove

I often ask myself,  how did it just end this far? I was screaming inside. My heart and mind were asking for it. None of us is happy about what’s been going on with us. And I gave up. I just gave up like that, and still giving up.

Well, the more I deny it, the more I lie to myself. The more I feel bad about it, the more I pity myself. It was the time when I feel like everybody gives me a head and brows up high that I have to bow my head down enough to make me feel like my head’s already touching the ground. It’s never an easy feeling because these are the moments when all I wanted to do was to stand up from that ground and let people know “Hey… I am standing! I am OK! I am fine! You see, I’m standing and I’m alright” and even behind these unuttered words are my sufferings, my pain, and my “HOW” questions. “How am I going to be alright, when all my life, I’ve given to this man and this man broke my heart, like terribly, repeatedly, treated me like a fool, and took everything from me even the small respect I left for myself. How am I able to stand up again proudly… like nothing is wrong, as if nothing bad happens, as if no heart is broken. How?

One time I was talking with friends and I hear rumours like these people know exactly what I am going through! And I just tell myself, for God damn’s sake, it’s about my life they’re talking about. It’s my life! So what.. I know I shouldn’t mind what other people say about me, but I know for sure nobody would understand exactly the way that I feel, because they are not me, nobody knows who I really am, what I feel inside, even if they pretend to and say „hey I understand exactly how you feel“… and I say to myself, no, you don’t! Because if you do, I wouldn’t be hearing all these rumours at my back. Well, even if we are both on the same shoes that doesn’t mean you know exactly what I’ve been going through and what I still am going through. Everyone’s life is different in its own different ways.

I know I chose this life, and this isn’t what I wanted my life to be. I tried to save it, believe me, I did, it failed once and then I tried to save it again, like I did a couple of times without success but I’ve been doing it all over again with the best of my power to save at least the smallest chance left, but there is really nothing left but dust, footprints, and shadows. How can you save a broken piece when it keeps breaking? No matter how I tried to fix every small broken piece, it keeps just falling apart.

How can you heal a wounded heart and start all over again, when there is not even trust, respect or love left.

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At some point, some decisions have to be made. I haven’t made mine yet. Because I’m still a prisoner of my own…. and that makes me a coward, I know and I’m aware of that. I can’t move forward, because I’m not prepared to, and I didn’t want to face the reality. Even though people kept telling me to go on with my life so I could move on, it seems like there was no chance left at all, but this is my reality, you can’t force someone to do things that are not prepared or capable of doing, and that makes me sick. But I didn’t want it. It just happens, it was out of my hands and it’s driving me up to the wall.

I learned that in times of struggle, evil people could be around. I meant evil because whatever kindness you show people, there are a lot of people out there who sticks their nose and eyes and lips around. Not the nicer ones. But they’re everywhere. And so our life becomes miserable than it already was. I guess I am not alone in this world, people may not agree on all my thoughts and I don’t want to blame them for that.

The truth is there are times when you wanted to keep your privacy, and you don’t expect anybody to understand your personal intentions. So if you have friends who really wanted to be called your friends but eventually you lose them, I’m pretty sure that at the end of the day, the best one always stays by your side.

The dark side will soon come to an end, I was hopeful for that. It’s not every day that we have trials in life. Not all endings have to end without a meaningful reason. There is always a good reason why some things end. In order for us to start a new life. But it takes a lot of guts and energy to overcome a broken relationship, it takes time to prepare for the new life, only if you leave your past behind and think that the tomorrow waiting for you is better than “yesterday”.

Without losing hope, I stand still with head up high and there is light. A light that gives me hope, leaving me something in the back of my mind the effort to move on, and go ahead on my dreams. This is where I’ve come to this point stressing out the message that life begins when you first fall down the ground, then learn to stand on your own and see the true meaning of life.

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DazJournal, Copyright 2018

 

Budapest singing in my heart

Pick pick pick

Fingerpicking

Strumming up and down

Eyes closed

Lips singing

Hearts floating

Your body moves in

Every beat of it

All over the crowd

Glasses of wine cheering

While lips whisper the words:

“Because you’re mine I walk the line”

A Surprise Journey

Special day for two broken tied hearts

Sun hides underneath the heavy clouds

Wet roads burst while running car speeds up

As heavy raindrops splatter on the rooftop

Excitement arises when destination is a question mark

Road signs puzzle up getting closer or not

Buildings, Hotel, City, Harbor, Port and parking lot

Wheels parked, feet landed, sights at the ship on the dock

Clues and signs everywhere heart beats fast

While the ship says destination is Helgoland,

Eyes sparkle with smiles on the face, a dream comes true at last

This Germany’s smallest island in northern sea to be found

The island is reachable either with a plane or a ship

Hotels are everywhere, shops, restaurants, bar and a lot more

Whether to jog, swim or relax, never miss to see “Lange Anna

A day tour or overnight, it’s always worth a visit

Continue reading “A Surprise Journey”

The night

It was a night when drinking whiskey and fragrant grape based pomace slowly closes her eyes. Her head slightly drops down over her shoulder while the stars exposes itself behind the dark clouds and the starlight kisses her brown cheek a sad goodnight. Her body retires from a midnight crowd while the breeze of the air that surrounds her whispers a soft farewell to the moonlight.

Shattered 🙇‍♀️ 💔 🤦‍♀️

A silent mind bearing shattered memories

Heavy thoughts capture the past

A heart in grief breaks in pieces

And lonely eyes overflow with tears

Yesterday was a thousand miles to look back

Heavenly moments while young at heart

When body craves for a gentle touch

Warm embraces never to miss out

 

Dark clouds shimmered in the sunlight

Noisy laughs silenced the curious crowd

A real friend to trust, to touch and to hold

All worries and doubts fall out of sight

 

One single glimpse need not to say a word

Promises to keep no secrets to be told

Years and moments together when life was tough

Unbreakable trust built longer than enough

 

For one must go and bid a sad farewell

Yet distance won’t keep any bonds apart

When a missing piece is found, only time could tell

Two random lives no passersby could understand

Love spreads out and wilderness bear

Make dreams real, no doubt no fear

Life’s a gift wrapped with joy and wonder

Loneliness breaks with sweet cries and laughter

 

Life turns mess ruined by a mystery

A shattered dream, a hopeless reality

Leaves fall down and daylight wane

Nightmare sorrows and moonlight pain

 

Lost in the dark, mind overblowing in despair

Just cry out loud for nobody seems to care

Beneath those floody eyes are shattered dreams

Whispers of hope, anger burns in flames

 

Wounded once, wounded twice then all over again

Promises to keep fades away in vain

For a voice within yells in grief and sorrow

Look into the eyes and see no hope for tomorrow

 

Behind bitter smile’s an unuttered wish

Someday somewhere to find hidden happiness

Bring back the past to wipe away a tear

Til tears run out to take away the fear

Smiling Shells and Broken Rubik

Life is a struggle we have to live on. There are times when we are at our most happy moments, and times at our worst.

My five year old girl daughter draw some smiling faces on the small shells and placed one smiling shell on her broken Rubik’s Cubes. These shells appeared to be smiling faces to me, while the broken Rubik looked to me like a mystery and the puzzles in our life. It attracted my attention so I thought it would be nice if I could take it a shot.

Smiling Shells and Broken Puzzle
Smiling Shells and Broken Rubik’s Cube

Whenever I take a look at these faces I can only think of happy people, happy faces, happy life. But not everyday are like these faces. Like a broken Rubik’s cubes on the photo, we have our missing pieces, broken hearts, and hard times. Those missing pieces are gone. Only until we search for them could we solve the puzzle. If we don’t fix our problem, they can’t be fixed. If we don’t face the trials, we end up broken and struggling. But that is life. We live in mysteries. We can’t prevent things to go wrong, we can’t make the wrong ones to be the right one, we can’t always live a life we always wanted, just as we can’t always get everything we wanted. We can’t simply make impossible things possible!

A person having all the wealth in the world doesn’t end up being happy forever. For some reasons, they end up being stressed from work, being alone or no honest friend to talk to, no family,  or whatever any other reasons.

A happy family stays happy, because they always stick together. But this happiness ends up until one has to separate because of the unpredictable reasons this world brings.

What about lovers being in love for so many years and after long relationship they fall out of love?

When we look at our innermost self, we are happy, yet we try to look again deep in our heart and we find ourselves weeping, begging and mourning. Although there are times when we wish we could just simply forget those happy moments because sometimes remembering them is simply the most painful of all, knowing that they’re all over and the only thing we could do is wish we could bring the past back. We end up living to the memories.

Life has its ups and downs. Despite of all the trials and troubles that come our way, we struggle, even the most happy days could all be gone in a second. Because we live in a world full of mysteries… and only those who are wise enough survive and live life to the fullest, like a smiling piece of shell on top of the broken Rubik’s Cube.