A Little Break

Yesterday was a long flight, flying from Hamburg, I was walking at a long path of London Heathrow airport. I had a 3 hour stop and I used all the time to just walk around while waiting for my gate to open.

While I was walking around, my thoughts were somewhere, my heart still felt heavy.

I remember when I was driving for work yesterday and suddenly I just burst into tears. Then I was sitting at the front of my computer at work, I noticed some flashbacks. The pain is forever there… I could hardly concentrate from work and I was close to telling my chef that I needed a rest… but hey.. just few hours before my off, I had to be patient.

Finally on my way back home, it was like the same morning when I just burst into tears.

I can’t just take the pain away, it hurts so much deeply, as if it was cutting my heart and leaving a big scar in there.

Seeing myself sitting for a pause, I didn’t realize how long it took me walking around the huge and crowded waiting area of London Heathrow.

Now I am back to myself, trying to feel what I am feeling… but it was empty… as if I’ve already cried all the tears as if I left my country and also already leaving my past behind.

A new hope was built inside of me. I think it’s a really good start for me to have some time to think… and make a brand new start.

This is all I needed… a few weeks away, a little break, a little time. This is the moment I know I wanted to get myself back… and I am hoping, really hoping that this moment will help me never ever to look back.

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Thank you…

I may cry all the tears

But I will bury them with you

Not wishing to look back

Because pain is enough

A little something for myself

Is all what I have

But I will stand proud

Because one day I know

Living without you

Will make me live

For at least one another day

So, thank you for all the tears…

Because it finally woke me up

It made me weak, yet stronger

It gave me new hope

One day I’ll say…

I’m finally on my own

Standing… without you.

Thank you.

Daz Journal, Copyright © 2019

What’s Holding You Back In Making Your Dreams Come True?

My drafts were kept drafts for years. My life got stuck in a complicated world, my life turned mess. I’ve travelled many places but never found myself. I got lost to where I belong.

It’s been quite a long time since my last blog and I regret not giving myself a little time to write.

At this point of time, I am feeling ashamed of myself, for being me not being able to be what I should be, for being a person who has nothing to brag about but failure.

The truth is, there is something deep inside me that always bothers me, something inside me that is afraid to tell, to open up and to talk about. I am lost, I moved and travelled places but still I am lost within. I can’t bring my sufferings and tears out, nobody understands anyway. I can only scream inside and keep my tears to myself.

I am not a person of perfection, well I’m sure nobody is and nobody was. People see me like how they wanted to see me, and I see people very far from my distance. I see things as dark as my innermost grievances. I am nobody, I can’t be the person people expect me to be, I can’t go on living like everything seems to be well while it’s not, because deep inside me is a spirit that’s about to surrender, yet a fighting spirit that wants to move on. Yes, there’s one thing that keeps me from moving on, my dreams.

So alright I have my dreams. I guess it’s actually my dreams that made me nobody now, a dream that made me stumble, to stand again and fall, to keep trying and fall, to hope and to give up, to dream but to lose. Because of this, I was close to depression not being able to live my dreams, or maybe I am already there but a part of me won’t accept it. The truth is… I almost forgot the most important things in my life, my family, me being as a mother, or being a wife, and the responsibilities of both being a wife and a mother. Actually I’ve almost given up everything, I blamed everything or everyone around me, because the world isn’t fair, the people around me made it more difficult for me, or probably it was just me or what’s within me… me not being able to find myself time, or me thinking too much and doing nothing, or me just always blaming myself. I hate myself for this, but I can’t let my dreams just dreams. This is why I escaped myself from reality and rest my worries and fears in the air. At the depth of my thoughts ends a realization that there is nothing on earth that could save me but myself.

Despite all the obstacles, I am learning to cope my failures. I’m still trying hard to move on and live up with my dreams. I try as much as possible to give time for myself and think about what I really wanted to do in my life. At my age, I haven’t really done much to fulfill my dreams, but there were times when I really wanted to start doing things that I really wanted to do but obstacles always come along the way. Mothers don’t really have much time for themselves, because like me, I invested too much time for my child, not knowing I was forgetting my own.

And so is the reason for this blog, to reach out and probably inspire someone like me to go on and keep dreaming but also do something to make that dream real. A part of me says it has to start now, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now… or you will end up regretting not doing anything to make that dream come true… because if there is an opportunity, it has to be now. So if you are like me, please try to set aside all the things that’s holding you back, try sacrificing and live that dream you always wanted to, and if you fail, stand up and try again, you’ll end up realizing “at least you tried”… and the next time you’ll try, you “know” what to do… so keep trying, but keep moving, don’t give up because there is always hope.

One day you will see, you’ll be sitting with that dream you’ve always dreamed about.

So let’s start now, we’ll do it together.

Do dreams really have meanings?

I woke up and realized I was crying while I was sleeping. It took me a while to stop from crying when I woke up. My dream felt so true.

My dad was missing like over a week and my mom insisted to search for him, I advised her to stay home because there were already some people searching for him but she was unstoppable. And so off she went. But then she didn’t return home. Two weeks have passed but there was still no trace of my parents. So I went searching for them, but did not find them, it didn’t stop me from searching my parents, I was losing hope and I ended up bursting into tears.

I woke up with my husband and my daughter trying to stop me from crying. I was holding my breathe, it was just a dream but my tears didn’t stop from falling down my cheeks.

They asked me what’s wrong but I couldn’t tell them anything about it.

My parents live miles away from where I am now located, thank God for mobiles to keep in touch with our loved ones. My mom is suffering from Parkinson since years already, and my dad started forgetting a lot of things. I hurriedly sent my mom a message asking how she was doing. We had a long conversation, in fact she’s doing great. But she told me she got mad with my dad last night because was missing something he couldn’t find it and my mom was the only person he could blame. She said she wanted to leave home and my older sister asked her if she would pick her up. She ended up staying home though and said she will just forget it.

Well, now back to my dream… It’s not long ago when I started interpreting my dreams, I got used to look for the meanings on Google, until one day I realized I could interpret it on my own without looking for the meaning on the internet.

I actually used to have a small dream dictionary book when I was like 12 years old but people told me it’s an evil’s work and I had to throw or burn it.

If that is true, I asked myself, then why are dreams even interpreted on the bible? Jacob interpreted for example that he and Joseph’s brothers will be under of Joseph’s authority which actually came true after years.

My Parents symbolize my parenthood, they served as an example to my family. Here’s how I interpreted it: there might be an aspect in my life that is missing, my parents symbolized my parenthood or my motherhood, me searching for my parents as I interpret it, is my search for my own self, but I was close to losing hope, and me crying was the result of my sufferings, my extensive feelings of being afraid to be alone.

I tried to look at how I felt in my dream, it was so sad, and another way to interpret it is that part of me was missing my parents with a desire to be with them. I was scared, and so there is part of me that is scared in real life.

Last night I had a conversation with some of my group friends about my family, about home, and my mom.

I remember I’ve read somewhere that dreams are the effect of our subconscious mind working everyday even if we are not fully aware of it. Our feelings unexpressed, our thoughts neglected, eventually, depending how strong it is, will reflect through “dreams”.

I personally like to think that dreams serve as a wakeup call, it is our eye-opener, whatever happens ahead is already interpreted in our dreams only sometimes in a different way. It serves as a warning, or simply a manifestation of feelings and thoughts expressed in puzzles and codes, only it is up to us if we believe in it, if we listen to the signs and examine it’s true meaning.

Saturday, Week 45

My day starts today with green Tea flavored with Vanilla in my favorite cup😍. The aroma of the tea, hmmm delicious sweet Vanilla freshens up my body and soul, energizes my tired and stressed days of work over the week. So to start my Saturday, I woke up early at 7am (which is not my normal wakeup hours during the weekend), stretched up a bit and started cleaning the room of our two guinea pigs at home before giving them food, and now I am ready to drink my tea. What is waiting for me ahead? Well, it will be an exciting day for me today to go out with my daughter and enjoy our weekend with some friends, chill out and wind up, I’ll relax a bit, read my book while she enjoys swimming. What about yours? Hope you’ll also all have a nice one. Happy weekend everyone🥰