A Little Break

Yesterday was a long flight, flying from Hamburg, I was walking at a long path of London Heathrow airport. I had a 3 hour stop and I used all the time to just walk around while waiting for my gate to open.

While I was walking around, my thoughts were somewhere, my heart still felt heavy.

I remember when I was driving for work yesterday and suddenly I just burst into tears. Then I was sitting at the front of my computer at work, I noticed some flashbacks. The pain is forever there… I could hardly concentrate from work and I was close to telling my chef that I needed a rest… but hey.. just few hours before my off, I had to be patient.

Finally on my way back home, it was like the same morning when I just burst into tears.

I can’t just take the pain away, it hurts so much deeply, as if it was cutting my heart and leaving a big scar in there.

Seeing myself sitting for a pause, I didn’t realize how long it took me walking around the huge and crowded waiting area of London Heathrow.

Now I am back to myself, trying to feel what I am feeling… but it was empty… as if I’ve already cried all the tears as if I left my country and also already leaving my past behind.

A new hope was built inside of me. I think it’s a really good start for me to have some time to think… and make a brand new start.

This is all I needed… a few weeks away, a little break, a little time. This is the moment I know I wanted to get myself back… and I am hoping, really hoping that this moment will help me never ever to look back.

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Thank you…

I may cry all the tears

But I will bury them with you

Not wishing to look back

Because pain is enough

A little something for myself

Is all what I have

But I will stand proud

Because one day I know

Living without you

Will make me live

For at least one another day

So, thank you for all the tears…

Because it finally woke me up

It made me weak, yet stronger

It gave me new hope

One day I’ll say…

I’m finally on my own

Standing… without you.

Thank you.

Daz Journal, Copyright © 2019

Saturday, Week 45

My day starts today with green Tea flavored with Vanilla in my favorite cup😍. The aroma of the tea, hmmm delicious sweet Vanilla freshens up my body and soul, energizes my tired and stressed days of work over the week. So to start my Saturday, I woke up early at 7am (which is not my normal wakeup hours during the weekend), stretched up a bit and started cleaning the room of our two guinea pigs at home before giving them food, and now I am ready to drink my tea. What is waiting for me ahead? Well, it will be an exciting day for me today to go out with my daughter and enjoy our weekend with some friends, chill out and wind up, I’ll relax a bit, read my book while she enjoys swimming. What about yours? Hope you’ll also all have a nice one. Happy weekend everyone🥰

It’s the Kiss 💋

It’s the kiss that you need to let your pain 💔go away

A kiss that wipes away all the tears you kept inside your ❤️ heart

A kiss to remind you everything will be alright 💋

A kiss to comfort … and to let you know that you are loved 💞 🤗

The End

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When a moment of our time comes if one has to decide either to stay or not, when both partners realize their relationship freezes, when one gets cold-hearted, until one has to make it end. When lovers go, when promises are broken, when there is nothing left but hope and the rest of the hope fades. When one cries out loud and no one hears.

Love failure. Relationship failure. Marriage failure. Broken Promises. Disappointment. Hopelessness. Sufferings. Pains. Illness. Sickness. Death. Whatever you call it. Nobody wants it.

The more we try to save ourselves from any failures, the more we punish ourselves by denying to ourselves that something is going to change.

I realize how difficult it is for couples to break up. It has never been easy. It’s like losing everything we’ve got. For me, it’s over. My neverending story has now come to an end.

Daz Island Cove

I often ask myself,  how did it just end this far? I was screaming inside. My heart and mind were asking for it. None of us is happy about what’s been going on with us. And I gave up. I just gave up like that, and still giving up.

Well, the more I deny it, the more I lie to myself. The more I feel bad about it, the more I pity myself. It was the time when I feel like everybody gives me a head and brows up high that I have to bow my head down enough to make me feel like my head’s already touching the ground. It’s never an easy feeling because these are the moments when all I wanted to do was to stand up from that ground and let people know “Hey… I am standing! I am OK! I am fine! You see, I’m standing and I’m alright” and even behind these unuttered words are my sufferings, my pain, and my “HOW” questions. “How am I going to be alright, when all my life, I’ve given to this man and this man broke my heart, like terribly, repeatedly, treated me like a fool, and took everything from me even the small respect I left for myself. How am I able to stand up again proudly… like nothing is wrong, as if nothing bad happens, as if no heart is broken. How?

One time I was talking with friends and I hear rumours like these people know exactly what I am going through! And I just tell myself, for God damn’s sake, it’s about my life they’re talking about. It’s my life! So what.. I know I shouldn’t mind what other people say about me, but I know for sure nobody would understand exactly the way that I feel, because they are not me, nobody knows who I really am, what I feel inside, even if they pretend to and say „hey I understand exactly how you feel“… and I say to myself, no, you don’t! Because if you do, I wouldn’t be hearing all these rumours at my back. Well, even if we are both on the same shoes that doesn’t mean you know exactly what I’ve been going through and what I still am going through. Everyone’s life is different in its own different ways.

I know I chose this life, and this isn’t what I wanted my life to be. I tried to save it, believe me, I did, it failed once and then I tried to save it again, like I did a couple of times without success but I’ve been doing it all over again with the best of my power to save at least the smallest chance left, but there is really nothing left but dust, footprints, and shadows. How can you save a broken piece when it keeps breaking? No matter how I tried to fix every small broken piece, it keeps just falling apart.

How can you heal a wounded heart and start all over again, when there is not even trust, respect or love left.

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At some point, some decisions have to be made. I haven’t made mine yet. Because I’m still a prisoner of my own…. and that makes me a coward, I know and I’m aware of that. I can’t move forward, because I’m not prepared to, and I didn’t want to face the reality. Even though people kept telling me to go on with my life so I could move on, it seems like there was no chance left at all, but this is my reality, you can’t force someone to do things that are not prepared or capable of doing, and that makes me sick. But I didn’t want it. It just happens, it was out of my hands and it’s driving me up to the wall.

I learned that in times of struggle, evil people could be around. I meant evil because whatever kindness you show people, there are a lot of people out there who sticks their nose and eyes and lips around. Not the nicer ones. But they’re everywhere. And so our life becomes miserable than it already was. I guess I am not alone in this world, people may not agree on all my thoughts and I don’t want to blame them for that.

The truth is there are times when you wanted to keep your privacy, and you don’t expect anybody to understand your personal intentions. So if you have friends who really wanted to be called your friends but eventually you lose them, I’m pretty sure that at the end of the day, the best one always stays by your side.

The dark side will soon come to an end, I was hopeful for that. It’s not every day that we have trials in life. Not all endings have to end without a meaningful reason. There is always a good reason why some things end. In order for us to start a new life. But it takes a lot of guts and energy to overcome a broken relationship, it takes time to prepare for the new life, only if you leave your past behind and think that the tomorrow waiting for you is better than “yesterday”.

Without losing hope, I stand still with head up high and there is light. A light that gives me hope, leaving me something in the back of my mind the effort to move on, and go ahead on my dreams. This is where I’ve come to this point stressing out the message that life begins when you first fall down the ground, then learn to stand on your own and see the true meaning of life.

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DazJournal, Copyright 2018

 

Budapest singing in my heart

Pick pick pick

Fingerpicking

Strumming up and down

Eyes closed

Lips singing

Hearts floating

Your body moves in

Every beat of it

All over the crowd

Glasses of wine cheering

While lips whisper the words:

“Because you’re mine I walk the line”

A Surprise Journey

Special day for two broken tied hearts

Sun hides underneath the heavy clouds

Wet roads burst while running car speeds up

As heavy raindrops splatter on the rooftop

Excitement arises when destination is a question mark

Road signs puzzle up getting closer or not

Buildings, Hotel, City, Harbor, Port and parking lot

Wheels parked, feet landed, sights at the ship on the dock

Clues and signs everywhere heart beats fast

While the ship says destination is Helgoland,

Eyes sparkle with smiles on the face, a dream comes true at last

This Germany’s smallest island in northern sea to be found

The island is reachable either with a plane or a ship

Hotels are everywhere, shops, restaurants, bar and a lot more

Whether to jog, swim or relax, never miss to see “Lange Anna

A day tour or overnight, it’s always worth a visit

Continue reading “A Surprise Journey”

Shattered 🙇‍♀️ 💔 🤦‍♀️

A silent mind bearing shattered memories

Heavy thoughts capture the past

A heart in grief breaks in pieces

And lonely eyes overflow with tears

Yesterday was a thousand miles to look back

Heavenly moments while young at heart

When body craves for a gentle touch

Warm embraces never to miss out

 

Dark clouds shimmered in the sunlight

Noisy laughs silenced the curious crowd

A real friend to trust, to touch and to hold

All worries and doubts fall out of sight

 

One single glimpse need not to say a word

Promises to keep no secrets to be told

Years and moments together when life was tough

Unbreakable trust built longer than enough

 

For one must go and bid a sad farewell

Yet distance won’t keep any bonds apart

When a missing piece is found, only time could tell

Two random lives no passersby could understand

Love spreads out and wilderness bear

Make dreams real, no doubt no fear

Life’s a gift wrapped with joy and wonder

Loneliness breaks with sweet cries and laughter

 

Life turns mess ruined by a mystery

A shattered dream, a hopeless reality

Leaves fall down and daylight wane

Nightmare sorrows and moonlight pain

 

Lost in the dark, mind overblowing in despair

Just cry out loud for nobody seems to care

Beneath those floody eyes are shattered dreams

Whispers of hope, anger burns in flames

 

Wounded once, wounded twice then all over again

Promises to keep fades away in vain

For a voice within yells in grief and sorrow

Look into the eyes and see no hope for tomorrow

 

Behind bitter smile’s an unuttered wish

Someday somewhere to find hidden happiness

Bring back the past to wipe away a tear

Til tears run out to take away the fear

Only Yesterday

Here’s a Valentine special for everyone. I just wrote this few months ago and I wanted to make it a song… but since time isn’t always enough for me, I ended up making it a poem. 🙂

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Only Yesterday

I can’t remember the years that passed,

It was like only yesterday

Your face is clear in my memory

Your voice, far and distant.

Throughout the years, the memories remain sweet and fresh

I wanna see them again

I wanna hold and feel the same

So many years have passed I know

But the feeling didn’t seem to change.

It was like only yesterday,

It’s been a long time

And I am missing it over and over…

So amazing feeling, I wanna feel your heart close to mine.

Oh yeah, years have passed but your touch…

It was like only yesterday,

Your sweet embraces, still fresh in my memory

I could always go back to those sweet memories.

Yes, it keeps coming back to me

Like only yesterday, your kiss, your touch…

Your sweet embrace…

I can still see the trace of smile on your face,

Deep inside I know you were mine.

Ten years have passed and they’re still fresh,

It was like only yesterday.

Now we’re growing old, I know…

But the memories of you,

Your love and my love, it will never fade…

Forever I hold you in my heart.

Continue reading “Only Yesterday”

Thoughts About the Past

“Thoughts About the Past”

My Journal

Thoughts About the Past

Summer 2007

Have you ever thought about writing a story about your real life and just as when you start thinking about how you want it get started, you’ll never get to the end point? I’ve always dreamed about having my story read in a book but never got the chance.

Well, how about starting with a goodbye kiss? Interesting, isn’t it? Here’s how it goes…

He was driving me off for work when he grab my left hand with his right hand and placed it sweetly and softly in his chest. I knew from the time before he took my hand that it’s gonna be the last time I would ever see him again… even if I wanted to, I have to make it last. He probably noticed my long hard breathes and saw it in my eyes that I’m gonna leave him forever? He started kissing my hand so tender and place it back again in his chest like he never wanted to let me go. Why now? Why is he starting to be sweet and loving when I’ve already made up my mind, I can’t go on with a relationship like that with him any further.

He said to me “Feel my heartbeat, you will know how much I really love you!” I was surprised with his words, and looked at him in the eyes to see maybe if there’s any doubt in his eyes. But his eyes are tied up on the street, so I looked away to hide the tears that wanted to drop off from my eyes. Long hard breath! What’s bothering me again? I wanted to tell him, please don’t do this. Why now, why now??? Oh God, I knew from my heart I was so inlove with him but I was already trying so hard to get over him, to forget him! Please let me go, please let me go! Thoughts unsaid. My heart was beating faster. Hands almost shaking. I remained still and anxious.

He pushed down the break to stop the car, we were already infront of the building where I work. “This might be the last time we will see each other again”, at last I’ve said the words before I got off from his car. He looked at me surprised or confused. Then I just said goodbye and got off the car. No explanations, no more other words. I just waved my hand to say goodbye and he hurriedly drove away. I couldn’t believe what I did. That’s it, I knew it… it’s the end of it.

A week after, he sent me text messages telling me he wanted to see me again… then he also tried calling me a few more times, I didn’t wanna take the call nor answer any of his text messages. One day, at work, I opened my email and got a message from him, he sent me email asking how I am and that he only asks as a friend and nothing more else. Then, at the end of the email he wrote his name with an indication below his name, “from the past”.

Since then, I never heard anything from him anymore. I tried moving on, met someone who helped me forget about him… he’s wonderful and nice, loving and sweet… enough to make me forget and never look back on the past. Well, telling about him is another part of the story…

Thoughts are forever, memories never last, feelings may or may not fade, people we love sometimes leave and go back… that’s life! Sometimes we try to understand its mysteries. We try to make our fantasies real with dreams, we put our thoughts in writing to let them stay there or to release our deep emotions… to make us feel better, relieved or even worse. But in the end, we realize some things are still unexplainable. Tears drop, laughters blow in the air… life has to go on.

Daz Island Cove

P.S. This story had been written only to inspire, whether or not this is real, who knows… and who cares, anyway?

What is your mood today? Are you in-love? Are you in grief? Are you having a great time, or a bad time? Your reaction on the story depends on your mood. I found this story on my notes which I wrote few years ago.  There are no revisions, perhaps just some typographical errors and an additional photo:). I just wonder how people react when they are in-love and when they are not. Anyway, please let me know if you enjoyed it. If not, I still would love to hear your feedback. Good or bad…