The Art of Painting

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Sharing to you one of my treasured moments, putting all my heart to my painting and seeing the outcome is a whole satisfaction of my inner thoughts and emotions.

I hope you all have a productive weekend.

Unspoken

I see you from afar

But you were not there

I tipped the words

But I got no response

I didn’t matter

I’m no one but a shadow

You just pass by

Our words made us close

Yet too far to reach

In silence was love unspoken

In silence was doubt and pain

If only fear would be broken

Our hearts will bring us closer.

Thank you…

I may cry all the tears

But I will bury them with you

Not wishing to look back

Because pain is enough

A little something for myself

Is all what I have

But I will stand proud

Because one day I know

Living without you

Will make me live

For at least one another day

So, thank you for all the tears…

Because it finally woke me up

It made me weak, yet stronger

It gave me new hope

One day I’ll say…

I’m finally on my own

Standing… without you.

Thank you.

Daz Journal, Copyright © 2019

What’s Holding You Back In Making Your Dreams Come True?

My drafts were kept drafts for years. My life got stuck in a complicated world, my life turned mess. I’ve travelled many places but never found myself. I got lost to where I belong.

It’s been quite a long time since my last blog and I regret not giving myself a little time to write.

At this point of time, I am feeling ashamed of myself, for being me not being able to be what I should be, for being a person who has nothing to brag about but failure.

The truth is, there is something deep inside me that always bothers me, something inside me that is afraid to tell, to open up and to talk about. I am lost, I moved and travelled places but still I am lost within. I can’t bring my sufferings and tears out, nobody understands anyway. I can only scream inside and keep my tears to myself.

I am not a person of perfection, well I’m sure nobody is and nobody was. People see me like how they wanted to see me, and I see people very far from my distance. I see things as dark as my innermost grievances. I am nobody, I can’t be the person people expect me to be, I can’t go on living like everything seems to be well while it’s not, because deep inside me is a spirit that’s about to surrender, yet a fighting spirit that wants to move on. Yes, there’s one thing that keeps me from moving on, my dreams.

So alright I have my dreams. I guess it’s actually my dreams that made me nobody now, a dream that made me stumble, to stand again and fall, to keep trying and fall, to hope and to give up, to dream but to lose. Because of this, I was close to depression not being able to live my dreams, or maybe I am already there but a part of me won’t accept it. The truth is… I almost forgot the most important things in my life, my family, me being as a mother, or being a wife, and the responsibilities of both being a wife and a mother. Actually I’ve almost given up everything, I blamed everything or everyone around me, because the world isn’t fair, the people around me made it more difficult for me, or probably it was just me or what’s within me… me not being able to find myself time, or me thinking too much and doing nothing, or me just always blaming myself. I hate myself for this, but I can’t let my dreams just dreams. This is why I escaped myself from reality and rest my worries and fears in the air. At the depth of my thoughts ends a realization that there is nothing on earth that could save me but myself.

Despite all the obstacles, I am learning to cope my failures. I’m still trying hard to move on and live up with my dreams. I try as much as possible to give time for myself and think about what I really wanted to do in my life. At my age, I haven’t really done much to fulfill my dreams, but there were times when I really wanted to start doing things that I really wanted to do but obstacles always come along the way. Mothers don’t really have much time for themselves, because like me, I invested too much time for my child, not knowing I was forgetting my own.

And so is the reason for this blog, to reach out and probably inspire someone like me to go on and keep dreaming but also do something to make that dream real. A part of me says it has to start now, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now… or you will end up regretting not doing anything to make that dream come true… because if there is an opportunity, it has to be now. So if you are like me, please try to set aside all the things that’s holding you back, try sacrificing and live that dream you always wanted to, and if you fail, stand up and try again, you’ll end up realizing “at least you tried”… and the next time you’ll try, you “know” what to do… so keep trying, but keep moving, don’t give up because there is always hope.

One day you will see, you’ll be sitting with that dream you’ve always dreamed about.

So let’s start now, we’ll do it together.

Someday You’ll See

Just let me fall

Take everything all

Until nothing is left

Even my last breathe

My lost maybe your victory

But one day when I am gone

Someday you’ll see

Your biggest regret in life

When I am nowhere to be found.

Saturday, Week 45

My day starts today with green Tea flavored with Vanilla in my favorite cup😍. The aroma of the tea, hmmm delicious sweet Vanilla freshens up my body and soul, energizes my tired and stressed days of work over the week. So to start my Saturday, I woke up early at 7am (which is not my normal wakeup hours during the weekend), stretched up a bit and started cleaning the room of our two guinea pigs at home before giving them food, and now I am ready to drink my tea. What is waiting for me ahead? Well, it will be an exciting day for me today to go out with my daughter and enjoy our weekend with some friends, chill out and wind up, I’ll relax a bit, read my book while she enjoys swimming. What about yours? Hope you’ll also all have a nice one. Happy weekend everyone🥰

Join In The Fun! Join In The November 2018 Tea Party!

Join In The Fun! Join In The November 2018 Tea Party!

https://thelittlemermaid09.wordpress.com/2018/11/01/join-in-the-fun-join-in-the-november-2018-tea-party/
— Read on thelittlemermaid09.wordpress.com/2018/11/01/join-in-the-fun-join-in-the-november-2018-tea-party/

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Captive

Paint Photo by DaZ, Copyright © 2018, Daz Journal

From the foolish world of tricky men,

Treating wives as captive or his own,

Time will come indeed and be prepared

For once his captive be freed

This woman’s heart he broke

Soon will stand out from the crowd

Wait then till he falls off the ground

Her bitterness someday be vanished

For the time is yet but near

When she would call him her Prisoner.

-DaZ

Life demands a payment

There’s no such thing as free lunch- life is not a gift, it is an investment. – John Maxwell

Remember that in everything we do, at work – accomplish things for your boss; at home- do all household work for the family; friends-staying by their side, we invest in life, we learn that there is nothing we could accomplish in life without investing first.

Even our life, we owe it to God. We live to do something about it, to value it, to be productive, to be remembered, and not to waste it. One day when we are gone, only the things we invested remain, our life we surrender, our body goes back to ashes.

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Photo by: Daz on DaZ Journal, © 2018

What stops you from trying?

Are you aware that there are things you haven’t done but could actually have done because you thought there was nothing else you could do? Or things you haven’t tried or stopped trying because you were afraid to do so and you did not believe in yourself?

There is something in this world that makes us unique, something from deep within that makes us a whole, extraordinary or special, not the looks, not the dress or the brands we wear on. Remember, we were born naked, without fancy make-ups or expensive clothes, and we were loved just as we are from the day we were born. Make-ups, gadgets, expensive clothes, shoes and every fancy things we wear covers all up our innermost beauty as well as it reflects our own personality and could make an impact on the things that we do or could do.

Sometimes it’s just hard to live without satisfying first our own needs and self-interest, thus making us greedy… and selfish… and discontented. We are too focused on other things without realizing what is actually happening within us.

Sometimes, or most of the time, we worry too much and we spend so much time worrying about the things we haven’t done, it’s time wasted. We are so preoccupied with so many things that surrounds us making us incapable of doing the things we actually should. We worry too much on how we should look to other people and even other people’s lives. But if we examine ourselves or take a look deep down our heart, and set aside all the things that hinder us from being what we really are or what we could be, only then can we realize there is something more in us, something else we are at the moment unaware of but capable of doing, something we are afraid to do so but actually could, or something we don’t know we are actually good at.

If we try to take time and think of the things that we value the most, or the things that are most important, and the things that matters most, and if we believe in ourselves, and try to at least go beyond our will and power, only then could we realize that there is something worthwhile we could do rather than waiting and hoping someday for it to happen. Only until then, can we see the true meaning of our existence.

It’s the Kiss 💋

It’s the kiss that you need to let your pain 💔go away

A kiss that wipes away all the tears you kept inside your ❤️ heart

A kiss to remind you everything will be alright 💋

A kiss to comfort … and to let you know that you are loved 💞 🤗

The End

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When a moment of our time comes if one has to decide either to stay or not, when both partners realize their relationship freezes, when one gets cold-hearted, until one has to make it end. When lovers go, when promises are broken, when there is nothing left but hope and the rest of the hope fades. When one cries out loud and no one hears.

Love failure. Relationship failure. Marriage failure. Broken Promises. Disappointment. Hopelessness. Sufferings. Pains. Illness. Sickness. Death. Whatever you call it. Nobody wants it.

The more we try to save ourselves from any failures, the more we punish ourselves by denying to ourselves that something is going to change.

I realize how difficult it is for couples to break up. It has never been easy. It’s like losing everything we’ve got. For me, it’s over. My neverending story has now come to an end.

Daz Island Cove

I often ask myself,  how did it just end this far? I was screaming inside. My heart and mind were asking for it. None of us is happy about what’s been going on with us. And I gave up. I just gave up like that, and still giving up.

Well, the more I deny it, the more I lie to myself. The more I feel bad about it, the more I pity myself. It was the time when I feel like everybody gives me a head and brows up high that I have to bow my head down enough to make me feel like my head’s already touching the ground. It’s never an easy feeling because these are the moments when all I wanted to do was to stand up from that ground and let people know “Hey… I am standing! I am OK! I am fine! You see, I’m standing and I’m alright” and even behind these unuttered words are my sufferings, my pain, and my “HOW” questions. “How am I going to be alright, when all my life, I’ve given to this man and this man broke my heart, like terribly, repeatedly, treated me like a fool, and took everything from me even the small respect I left for myself. How am I able to stand up again proudly… like nothing is wrong, as if nothing bad happens, as if no heart is broken. How?

One time I was talking with friends and I hear rumours like these people know exactly what I am going through! And I just tell myself, for God damn’s sake, it’s about my life they’re talking about. It’s my life! So what.. I know I shouldn’t mind what other people say about me, but I know for sure nobody would understand exactly the way that I feel, because they are not me, nobody knows who I really am, what I feel inside, even if they pretend to and say „hey I understand exactly how you feel“… and I say to myself, no, you don’t! Because if you do, I wouldn’t be hearing all these rumours at my back. Well, even if we are both on the same shoes that doesn’t mean you know exactly what I’ve been going through and what I still am going through. Everyone’s life is different in its own different ways.

I know I chose this life, and this isn’t what I wanted my life to be. I tried to save it, believe me, I did, it failed once and then I tried to save it again, like I did a couple of times without success but I’ve been doing it all over again with the best of my power to save at least the smallest chance left, but there is really nothing left but dust, footprints, and shadows. How can you save a broken piece when it keeps breaking? No matter how I tried to fix every small broken piece, it keeps just falling apart.

How can you heal a wounded heart and start all over again, when there is not even trust, respect or love left.

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At some point, some decisions have to be made. I haven’t made mine yet. Because I’m still a prisoner of my own…. and that makes me a coward, I know and I’m aware of that. I can’t move forward, because I’m not prepared to, and I didn’t want to face the reality. Even though people kept telling me to go on with my life so I could move on, it seems like there was no chance left at all, but this is my reality, you can’t force someone to do things that are not prepared or capable of doing, and that makes me sick. But I didn’t want it. It just happens, it was out of my hands and it’s driving me up to the wall.

I learned that in times of struggle, evil people could be around. I meant evil because whatever kindness you show people, there are a lot of people out there who sticks their nose and eyes and lips around. Not the nicer ones. But they’re everywhere. And so our life becomes miserable than it already was. I guess I am not alone in this world, people may not agree on all my thoughts and I don’t want to blame them for that.

The truth is there are times when you wanted to keep your privacy, and you don’t expect anybody to understand your personal intentions. So if you have friends who really wanted to be called your friends but eventually you lose them, I’m pretty sure that at the end of the day, the best one always stays by your side.

The dark side will soon come to an end, I was hopeful for that. It’s not every day that we have trials in life. Not all endings have to end without a meaningful reason. There is always a good reason why some things end. In order for us to start a new life. But it takes a lot of guts and energy to overcome a broken relationship, it takes time to prepare for the new life, only if you leave your past behind and think that the tomorrow waiting for you is better than “yesterday”.

Without losing hope, I stand still with head up high and there is light. A light that gives me hope, leaving me something in the back of my mind the effort to move on, and go ahead on my dreams. This is where I’ve come to this point stressing out the message that life begins when you first fall down the ground, then learn to stand on your own and see the true meaning of life.

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DazJournal, Copyright 2018

 

Budapest singing in my heart

Pick pick pick

Fingerpicking

Strumming up and down

Eyes closed

Lips singing

Hearts floating

Your body moves in

Every beat of it

All over the crowd

Glasses of wine cheering

While lips whisper the words:

“Because you’re mine I walk the line”

The night

It was a night when drinking whiskey and fragrant grape based pomace slowly closes her eyes. Her head slightly drops down over her shoulder while the stars exposes itself behind the dark clouds and the starlight kisses her brown cheek a sad goodnight. Her body retires from a midnight crowd while the breeze of the air that surrounds her whispers a soft farewell to the moonlight.

Shattered 🙇‍♀️ 💔 🤦‍♀️

A silent mind bearing shattered memories

Heavy thoughts capture the past

A heart in grief breaks in pieces

And lonely eyes overflow with tears

Yesterday was a thousand miles to look back

Heavenly moments while young at heart

When body craves for a gentle touch

Warm embraces never to miss out

 

Dark clouds shimmered in the sunlight

Noisy laughs silenced the curious crowd

A real friend to trust, to touch and to hold

All worries and doubts fall out of sight

 

One single glimpse need not to say a word

Promises to keep no secrets to be told

Years and moments together when life was tough

Unbreakable trust built longer than enough

 

For one must go and bid a sad farewell

Yet distance won’t keep any bonds apart

When a missing piece is found, only time could tell

Two random lives no passersby could understand

Love spreads out and wilderness bear

Make dreams real, no doubt no fear

Life’s a gift wrapped with joy and wonder

Loneliness breaks with sweet cries and laughter

 

Life turns mess ruined by a mystery

A shattered dream, a hopeless reality

Leaves fall down and daylight wane

Nightmare sorrows and moonlight pain

 

Lost in the dark, mind overblowing in despair

Just cry out loud for nobody seems to care

Beneath those floody eyes are shattered dreams

Whispers of hope, anger burns in flames

 

Wounded once, wounded twice then all over again

Promises to keep fades away in vain

For a voice within yells in grief and sorrow

Look into the eyes and see no hope for tomorrow

 

Behind bitter smile’s an unuttered wish

Someday somewhere to find hidden happiness

Bring back the past to wipe away a tear

Til tears run out to take away the fear